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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Lawyer, the Aquarian and the Anorexic Factor (Con’t)


Codename: Aquarius
Location: His place
Website: Jdate.com

So there I was, emotionally armed, believing I was equipped with my defense mechanisms, that it had been a month and I didn’t care. Hell, I doubted I would even be attracted to him after all this time and everything that had happened. I came up to his apartment with my computer and my notebook and as soon as I walked in, he sat casually on the couch, aloof with the TV on…

The real estate game continued and my defense mechanism went to sh*t.

Everything inside me melted and I was right back to where I was over a month ago.

Get it together V. No expectation. This is a friend thing and nothing more. You’re going to walk in, talk writing and walk out without giving him anything more then your friendship.

Similarity #4 The Offer

First offer… the hug greeting. We exchanged a hug without a hint of sexual attraction, I was brief and pulled away, he sensed that I was in a different place.

So he counter offered…

“We should have a drink!”

“Um, I just had a beer and I have to drive later so I’m good.”

“Alright, suit yourself.” He went in the kitchen and made himself a Roman Coke.

My next offer… conversation about writing. Where I was at… where he was at… etc.

His following counter offer… a discussion of the girl who was now screwing with his head… the Anorexic Factor.

Anorexic Factor was the girl he had been dating, who he mentioned, who he really liked. She went to UCSB, worked with autistic kids and modeled on the side. And… she was anorexic.

But don’t feel so sorry for this girl just yet… I sure didn’t… she was about as manipulative as they come. She would go out on dates with Aquarius, make it like she liked him and then blow him off… which in a completely karmic way… he TOTALLY deserved. Yet, even though I felt like that was the case, I could tell what this girl was. In essence, Anorexic Factor was a female game player… blond…. young… and a model… she knew how to work her hand and at other people’s expense. People always think that because someone is pretty, educated and they work for seemingly good causes, that that person is a genuinely good person.

These people never went to NYU nor ever worked in the Entertainment industry.

You see, these people are always focused on what they want at other people’s expense. In certain cases, that’s understandable, but people like this… do this all the time. And sometimes, they truly believe that they’re a good person…even when they throw you under the bus…all the time.

So next time you want a job, a guy or even that new pair of stilettos at Neiman Marcus… watch out to make sure Anorexic Factor isn’t behind you or BOOM!

You just got pushed in front of the f—king bus, b*tch!



So he told me how the night before, he had hit the curb with her, as she decided to invite him out and flirt with another guy right in front of him to the point where he had left, completely hurt and
heartbroken.

Evil Victory. Thank you karmic gods.

I knew Anorexic Factor would continue to play him and eventually that would end. What I didn’t know was that my next offer would be… the story of my ONS.

I could tell this provoked his interest. And as he feigned jealousy that I had sex before he did with Anorexic Factor… I finally thought to myself, this finally feels like friendship.

Then he started the digital music… the hours flew by… and I finally took him up on the drink…

And he counter offered… by playfully jumping on top of me and trying to kiss me…

As I closed my eyes and brought my head away to avoid his face, protesting that we couldn’t do it…

I should have grabbed my sh*t and ran out the door.

Yet, I succumbed. And the ridiculous part was that I wanted to.

Similarity #5 Escrow

I had made my offer. He had countered. And I gave in on his terms. Hence the next portion of our foreplay was very much like Escrow. I didn’t possess the property and at any time, he or I could back out.

There we were, making out like we had never missed a beat. And at that moment I didn’t care. He took me into his bedroom and we made out on the bed as he moaned, “You feel so good… I wanna do things to you…”

I dared him, “What do you want to do to me?”

He hesitated as if embarrassed. I dared him again.

“First, I want to take off your pants and lick you a little bit…”

Hold up. I just want to preface this by saying… in all the time I messed around with Aquarius at any time in the story… he NEVER…EVER…went down on me… EVER! He would tease. Make excuses. But no matter what I did for him in the bedroom… and trust me… I did plenty… he NEVER returned the favor. If that doesn’t make him a douche… I don’t know what does. In fact, it makes ME a douche for having tolerated the lack of reciprocity.

Similarity #5 The Close

Sex was not on the agenda this evening, so needless to say there was no close on this deal.

Even though I knew that Anorexic Factor would be out of the picture soon enough, Aquarius decided that it would be a good idea to compare us. That when he was with me he felt like a man and with her he couldn’t even get hard. That I always said what I meant and she didn’t. While this did pump up my ego a bit, I knew that he was blowing smoke up my a** and I wanted to slap him for breaking the cardinal rule… NEVER COMPARE ALOUD.

What a stupid thing, comparing the girls you dated to the girl you’re with after your hot make out session. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I excused myself about 11PM and decided that being there for 6 hours, was long enough. I walked myself to my car somewhat giddy but in full denial that reopening the door to Aquarius would simply lead to more hurt.

But I was simply… curious as all h*ll.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Workshop: Short Plays On How You Broke My F’ ing Heart


ConfessionsofaV will be offering it’s first ever workshop.  
E-mail confessionsofav@gmail.com for more information.

Workshop: Short Plays On How You Broke My  F’ ing Heart
Sunday, June 27th 12pm-4pm
Location: TBD, Los Angeles
Maximum amount of students: 40

This four hour Los Angeles-based workshop of massive awesomeness will put you in a group of 4, who will then become your writing partners as you power out a short play on the theme of “How You Broke My F’ ing Heart”. You will only have 2 hours with your teammates to write the short play in its entirety which must be a minimum of 3 pages, max 10. Each person will be assigned to read a part and all will perform their masterpiece in the latter half of class. Who knows, you might meet the person who doesn’t break your F’ ing heart.

The Lawyer, the Aquarian and the Anorexic Factor


Codename: The Lawyer
Location: Yankee Doodles
Website: JDate.com

As if I had not learned my lesson, I went right back into the world of JDate.com with the same wired focus that I would never recommend anyone have when searching online. It makes dating a job and the second that happens you begin to put pressure on yourself and the situation and that usually yields sh*tty results. You begin to attempt to control a situation that you cannot and should not try to control. I was supposed to be looking for a person not a piece of real estate!



Although at times the experience was quite similar.

Similarity #1 The Search

Much like searching for a piece of property online, you have certain qualities that you’re looking for but instead of a 3-bedroom house, a fixer upper, a town home or a condo, you might be looking for what school did he go to, brunette or blond, how much money does he make, is he metro or a jock?

Yet unlike real estate, when you’re a female, what you’re looking for (or not looking for) sometimes finds you.

And such was the case with The Lawyer. He had gone to NYU, much like myself, but for law school and found himself back in Los Angeles working in the corporate world. I thought he was cute,  he seemed like a nice guy and lived in Santa Monica, which of course, I seemed to just gravitate to. Could it be because I liked the beach or because I missed Aquarius…. hmmmm?

Similarity #2 The Browse

Since there was a property that I might be interested in… um I mean a guy, I was proud of myself because I was getting back out there and not waiting for Aquarius… the guy I really wanted and couldn’t and shouldn’t have.

The Lawyer suggested we go to Yankee Doodles and watch the game (um really? But I went with it). So I met Mr. Lawyer and was as casual as could be. He was indeed cute in real life, very nice but every time he asked me a question horns went off and the drunken crowds cheered as the Lakers scored another point. Needless to say, that this place was not ideal for a first online date. Poor judgement and bad taste was not helping his profile in this situation, but we shared a beer and I tried to make the best of it anyway and it seemed like he thought I
was cute. When the bill came, he offered to pay, I offered as well but he wouldn’t let me.

He suggested we go for a walk but I really wanted to leave. He seemed nice, but other then the Lakers and Yankee Doodles and lawyering, what was he really all about? So he offered to walk me to the parking garage and I left him with a hug.

Similarity #3 Trading Up

I was in Santa Monica. I was disappointed with what I had seen and wanted to go after a better prospect. I finally broke and texted Aquarius and told him I was nearby. He called me back. 
“Hey, I’m by the Promenade.”

“What are you doing there?”

“I was just… meeting someone.”

“On a date?”

“Um… yeah.”

“Where’d you guys go?”

“Yankee Doodles. And we couldn’t even talk, it was so loud!”

“Come on dude, really? Yankee Doodles?”

“I KNOW! Exactly.”

“So do you still want to meet up for the writing stuff?”

“Um sure, when?”

“Now.”

“Where do you want to meet up?”

“You could come to my place.”

“Um, okay.”

Jesus… F**king… Christ. Really? Really V?!

To be continued…

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


WTF? OKCupid message of the week: “Surprised mom, lots of hugs,tears & laughter. Dinner, drinks then drag queen bar where mom was the hit of the show. The grand dame still can out boogey a 6 ft tranny. Great time.”
My response: Huh?
“Quote of the day: Then in my sophomore year I got a haircut and buzzed my head and the cheerleaders came up to me and was like “Oh my G-d, K is hot now.” And I was like (Sing Songy), “F—k You.” - K

Monday, April 19, 2010

"This m*therf**ker was going down."

Codename: Aquarius
Location: Online
Website: JDate.com


Some time had passed since I had exchanged letters with Aquarius. We weren’t chit chatting on IM and I didn’t want to make a move. I was still browsing online but for some reason I was still stuck on the skinny filmmaker.

What’s a girl to do?

So one night on IM he finally broke the silence.

Aquarius: Hey

V: Hey

Aquarius: What are you up to?

V: Just at home.

Aquarius: Writing?

V: Haha, no, I should be.
Question, when did you want to meet up for our little workshop?

Aquarius: That’s not a very good question…
A good question would be…
Are you dating anyone?

V: Me or you?

Aquarius: Me.

V: Well, ARE you dating anyone?

Aquarius: Yes

My stomach sunk a little, but I toughened up, this was to be expected and I wasn’t going to let him see my disappointment.

V: Good for you.

Aquarius: It’s not serious… but I like her.

V: Then what’s up with e-mailing me and wanting me to come over and f--- you silly?!

Aquarius: I was joking.

V: No you weren’t.

Aquarius: But with this girl, we have not had sex, I can’t trust her. At least with you, you’re strait, I always respected that. I miss our crazy sexual chemistry.

V: What do you mean? How old is she?

Aquarius: 22

V: A young 22?

Aquarius: Yeah.

V: And likes going out a lot?

Aquarius: Yeah.

V: Blond?

Aquarius: Yup.

V: What school did she go to?

Aquarius: UCSB I think.

V: Party School.

Aquarius: Ugh I know.

V: Where she from?

Aquarius: The Valley.

V: You’re f—ked.

Aquarius: I know.

I could feel the former part of my sunken stomach flip around. I felt a bit of evil victory, he was getting exactly what he deserved, a bit of his own medicine; he was getting the exact treatment he had given me. And suddenly, I felt better.

And as if his ears were burning at my silent thoughts…

Aquarius: And she goes out on these dates and acts like she likes me.
With you I never lied, strait as an arrow I was.

B*llsh*t.

V: Well let me know when you’re free to talk writing.

Aquarius: I will.

So many mixed emotions… the pain that I had reopened from our previous history, the excitement of being able to talk to him and not being able to help wanting to be seduced by what quite frankly was a silly and strange boy-man, and finally the victory of him being burned by his female doppelganger. I was uncertain, but aware and oddly enough… I wanted to win the f**king game this time.

This m*therf**ker was going down.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Eerie... there's actually an Aquarius hotel in Laughlin http://www.theaquarius.com/