The Candida Scare

Folks…

I want to take a moment to talk about what no man or woman ever really wants to hear about …

The Vajadge (pronounced Va-JAY-ge – like Va and some change).

There are many names for the female genital organ that over 50 percent of the world population possesses: Vadge, Va-jay-jay, Chacha, Twat, Coot, Coochie, Snatch, Crotch, Daisy, Pink Taco, Ice Box, Plauto, the male favorite P*ssy…

And who can forget the cultural representation: toto (Puerto Rican), puttana (Italian), memek (Indonesian), omanko (Japanese) , muff (English), fandan (Lowland Scots), pizda (Slovenian), cachimba (Spanish)…

In short, I want to bring your attention to the vagina.

As Eve Ensler wrote in her Vagina Monologues, no one ever really wants to hear about your vagina. Penis apparently is universally accepted, like a credit card, but “vagina” not only sounds funny, it’s complicated.

My weekend, should have been filled with R&R, instead my Vajadge had a crisis.

After 9 months of abstinence from sex, I had done the deed with Abolicious who indeed proved his douchiness. Not only was he a douche after sex, he was a douche during sex and had been way too rough for a girl my size. Spotting after sex is not ideal.

But I didn’t think anything of it, I figured he was just super rough. Even over the next couple weeks where I had slight… how shall we say this … “cottage cheese”, I figured it was the weather change and if anything was wrong, that my Vajadge would speak up and tell me.

Well… last Friday… while having sex, the Vajadge SPOKE and it SCREAMED: “Get this bastard’s c*ck out of me!” And she spit it out. Because it not only hurt like a mofo… the next day it burned.

So before taking the train to San Diego to visit my friend, I rushed on over to Albertson’s because it was the only thing closest to me that was open at 7AM in the morning and bought a box of Miconizole 3… yes, it’s my favorite too, especially because you get an awesome applicator and either cream or solid suppository that you have to lie down and shove up your Vajadge or risk leakage. I know, ewww, yuck, nasty, gross.

Basically, this seems like a yeast infection… but then my mind unravels… ‘OMG, Abolicious had 40 partners before so even though he wore a condom, condoms are never 100 percent… OMG I should never had sex last night, I should have made sure he had JUST been tested…OMG there’s blood on the applicator… SOMETHING’S WRONG! SOMETHING’S WRONG!’

Then later on… I Googled. Chlymidia has similar symptoms… so does Gonorrhea … so does Syphilis … so does HERPES!

The Panic set in.

I called a friend, Nurse TIFA:

V: TIFA!

TIFA: Hi Sweetie, what’s wrong?

V: I have a female problem!

TIFA: Go ahead.

V: I had sex a couple weeks ago, spotted, and then saw signs of what I think is a yeast infection, but had sex again last night, both times were with a condom and it hurt like a b*tch. This morning I felt burning in my Vajadge canal so I bought the over the counter 3 day thing.

TIFA: Well, you should never treat anything without seeing your G.Y.N.

V: It helped though. It hurt me so bad. But is there something else wrong? I’ve never seen blood on the applicator and can’t tell if it’s just my period coming or if there’s something wrong.

TIFA: Well, it could just be that you had rough sex and that you already had the infection and it was exacerbated by intercourse.

V: Ok. So I’m not going to become infertile? So I don’t need to go to emergency?

TIFA: No. It could take years before your fallopian tubes fell out. But since it’s a holiday weekend, you should probably go to your G.Y.N Tuesday.

V: (Sigh) Ok thanks TIFA.

I was committed to cleansing the Vajadge and drank a sh*tload of cranberry juice (usually helpful with UTI’s) and eating plain Greek yogurt (I hate yogurt) with granola and berries.

While things did improve throughout the weekend, my Vajadge was still talking to me, “Look what you did to me! You corrupted me with casual c*ck! How could you do this to me! Why can’t you find yourself a nice guy and have a monogamous relationship?!”

I talked back, “Look, Vajadge! I’m sorry! As you can see online dating has been the thing to bring in any guys at all to the plate. And 99.9 percent of them are horrible. The .1 percent was okay and we just didn’t work out, but that other 99.9 percent were a bunch of douches and just want a**. I’m a woman! I have needs! If I can’t find Mr. Right, why is it so wrong to find Mr. Right Now?”

Vajadge got pissed, “BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT MR. RIGHT NOW DID TO ME!”

I took a breath, “Okay, I know, I’m sorry. You’re right. I keep accepting the lowest possible grade. I keep settling for what I can get when I deserve so much more. If we survive this, I’m going celibate for awhile, I’m going to cleanse and refocus on what I want, in fact I may even go to the Chopra Center and meditate. And I promise you, here and now, Vajadge, that I will NOT have intercourse with any man, unless he is relationship worthy and we truly care about each other and we BOTH get tested. I don’t care if it takes a year, two years… woah woah, now we’re getting carried away…strike that, reverse it… from now on my intentions will be stated from the beginning. If he doesn’t state an intention that fits with my intention, just say no.”

And as I made this important and spiritual promise to my Vajadge, my phone buzzed and I noticed a text… ‘WTF, who the f**k is texting me at 10PM at night when I am out of town? You have got to be f**king kidding me? Seriously, I’m being booty called?! Leave me alone!’

It’s like THEY KNOW. When it rains, it pours… and infection ensues.

So when Tuesday rolled around and I rushed to my Doctor, I came with two pages of notes describing my symptoms since my fabulous Aunt Flo came to town, thus making it impossible to do my “favorite” yet very necessary pap smear.

So my Doctor basically said the same thing as TIFA, a yeast infection that very well was irritated by intercourse. A sigh of relief like nobody’s business came out of me. But I still requested all my STD tests even though I had been tested just last year and had been fine. Chlymidia, Gonorrhea , Syphilis, HIV were all on my to do list. I asked her does anyone get tested for Herpes and she said, not usually without an outbreak because most people are carriers for the virus responsible for cold sores, so it will show positive. Since she couldn’t swab me, the tests were done by urine and blood.

Then she prescribed me Fluconazole, a single tablet taken orally to rid you of your yeast infection in 24 hours. At first, I thought, ‘Cool.’ However…

This particular medication has side effects of headaches, cramps and nausea and since I have a particularly small body and am sensitive to heavy duty meds, the side effects hit me unbelievably hard that I had to lie in bed with a heat pad. So while the med, did improve symptoms by the next day, it can take several days for the infection to clear up and stays in your system during that time.

Basically my Vajadge said, “F*ck you, V… F*ck you.”

But during my sick delirium I had a couple dreams. Somehow sickness brings about wisdom in the unconsciousness. My first dream, I dreamt the father in the T.V. show Lois and Clark, yes the one with Dean Cain, told me a wise saying, “You can’t chase love, it must push toward you.”

My second dream, I dreamt about my Ex, the one who I had not seen in 5 years who ran away to marry some ugly girl in Paris. No, I mean it, she was not cute, just French, if she was amazingly gorgeous, I swear I would have told you and it would have helped me understand things better. I dreamt that I met him again and his wife had left him and at some point we made out. Yet, at no point did I want to get back together with him or marry him. I was meant for something more than him.

If Eddie Jones (the guy who played Clark’s Dad in “Lois and Clark”) can come into my dream and whisper me the secret to finding love, then it has to mean something.

So I announce to you, that I will not be having any sexual intercourse, that I will remain celibate till I meet someone relationship worthy. If I can switch to drinking Decaf coffee during the week… I can do this.