The Agent

Codename: The Agent

Website: Skout.com

Location: Avalon Hotel, Beverly Hills

You may want to date Ari Gold... but watch the f**k out!

Theory  #1: Anyone that goes through Hollywood Agency… is the devil.

When someone trains through agency or becomes an agent, they become a different person, they loose a little piece of their soul. The environment is the quintessential culture of screamers, cheaters, liars and backstabbers. They are the core manipulators and they do it well.

So when I went perusing on Skout, I didn’t think I would meet anyone in the common industry. When I “winked” at some cute 32 year old, I figured he might work in tech. Turned out we ran in the same circles. Yet, his current gig was not really agent, it was producer, someone who had appeared to have climbed the ladder, relatively fast and here I was at entry point. His suggestion to meet, while I was hesitant was not completely unfounded, he seemed cute enough.

Then a further investigation as I Google’d his professional name… yes, I freaking Google’d, I discovered he had been an agent.

‘Uh-oh.’

Now agents are not all Ari Gold’s, sometimes it is a bit more subversive than that. Yet, their ability to turn your mind upside down, if they’re good, is phenomenal… and dangerous. Even those who were only assistants know how to get you to like them and when you are fast asleep, take exactly what it is that they want from you.

I have met agents and former agents that are good people, but because of those environments, a little piece of their soul was stolen away from them. The Faust in them flies free, a man (or woman) never satisfied with their current gifts and always selling pieces of their soul for more. I wish I didn’t believe in this theory and I wish this theory was not actually true, but more often than not, I see the devil in these people time and time again, grinning through their angel exterior.

Now a lot of times, these guys are charismatic, you can not help but like them. In other scenarios, they are immersive learners and clever at logically weaving the techniques of mirroring and supposed interest in the other party.

In the case of The Agent, when I saw him, I had a feeling he might turn out this way. I had grabbed a table outside by the Avalon Hotel pool. He didn’t look exactly like his photo or exactly as I imagined, still cute, but his voice was slightly thin and high. Immediately, he went into entertainment mode the second he sat down. What I completely grant him is his understanding of the gentlemanly tactic, he used his card to start the tab  (or rather his company card to be written off). Finally! An online date where I did not get stuck paying for myself when I was invited, finally a lift here! By the way, I completely offered.

Now on first impression I thought, “Oh no, he’s one of those wheel and deal agents with thin voices that offer pretension and snobbery when I am so not f**king Hollywood.”

Theory #2 People who are not from Los Angeles adopt an “I’m better than you” attitude when many of the people that ARE from Los Angeles don’t have it, unless they grew up industry or in BH or was a cheerleader in high school.

I think The Agent got the hint here that I was not f**king Hollywood and so he adjusted telling me about his mid-west roots, how he grew up poor and it wasn’t till his mother remarried that he knew what it was like to live in a nice place.

My defenses were up so while this story would have weakened me a bit 10 years ago, I couldn’t trust “story time.” And it wasn’t the story itself, it was all in his tone, his delivery. While I am sure he was being truthful, I couldn’t sympathize with the heart in it, it was something I couldn’t feel.

Theory #3 You will get more of the truth about your career by someone who wants to f**k you, than your colleagues who you have worked for years with out of dedication and loyalty.

The Agent was actually very helpful with this. He really put me to face with some ugly truths about where I was and gave blunt, yet inspiring advice about what I should really do. It was like, “Thank you, you just saved me years of trouble in the wrong direction.”

Theory #4 Men like this will feign that they want exactly what you want, will adjust to appear they can fulfill these needs and are not like the douchbags you keep complaining about… but at the end of the day, they just want to f**k you.

And don’t get me wrong, I want to f**k too. Making love includes a combination of hot f**king but one timers, ONS’s, casual sex, FWB sex without the excitement of a bond has often proved so disappointing. To which, The Agent appeared to agree and “repeated” back to me the same point of view I mentioned before. Whether he actually felt that way or was telling me that to tempt my skirt off, is of debate. This guy was good.

Theory #5 These types of men will inevitably flip the conversation to sex in an introductory meeting, thus upping the likelihood of you having sex, ruining any possibility of friendship, dating or more.

It was when work talk lasted like an hour and then he insisted I Q&A him on something else besides work, that the conversation grew strained and he immediately took that as an opportunity to talk about sex. As you know, I have no problem talking about sex, the issue is that it often turns the minds to the subject, making sex a higher likelihood and (with every pun intended) f**ks you over.

Here is the odd thing, with every preconception I had about his agency background, with his thin pitched voice, sales tactics, mirroring, listening and repeating, oddly enough I think I actually liked him but in the kind of way that you don’t want to like them. That sex with them is difficult to picture and a relationship is weird to think about. They are definitely not the person you see yourself getting serious about or getting married and raising children with, but oddly enough… they got to you. They got inside your head.

This is why people who go through Agency are dangerous.