Code Name: Aquarius
Location: Online via Myspace (when I still used that account)
Website: J-Date.com
After being blown off for Aquarius’s birthday and getting the idea that this is the way this would always be, a few nights later… I could not sleep… and I knew what I had to do…
Dear Aquarius,
Remember the dream I told you about the mountain and me having to protect my house?
Well, I did really dream that and I knew exactly what it meant. You are the mountain- and I, very curiously wanted to explore what was inside- there seemed to be so much- so much creation, excitement- but above all, fun.
And I did have fun with you- I won't forget that.
I had many favorite parts of this story- many favorite moments-
Candles
sushi
our many conversations
glasses
video clips
the piano
video games
making out in restaurant
cold hands in your pocket
helping me get out of parking validation
bookstore
the little question game
I wanted to have more fun with you- have more moments- the possibilities of museums, botanical gardens, bike rides – all exciting prospects- but as you can see, the house is me, myself- mind body and soul- and I have to protect that.
I know this letter seems odd, maybe even unnecessary- I would prefer to say it in person- but given our short time of knowing one another and the given circumstances, this was the only way I could think to tell you that-
I can't do this anymore- its not really right for me. This arrangement would leave me in a state of limbo and questioning- and as much as I would have enjoyed the showers and the sex and all those physical pleasures- I'm really not in a place to do that right now- at least not with the given circumstances. I think you understand that- and perhaps are even somewhat relieved.
You know as well as I, that we want different things- that's pretty key here and despite what we have in common, we're very different. Perhaps that was a part of the attraction, it always is. I'm a good person- I know you are too.
I can't tell you how much I've learned in this short amount of time- but that could require a whole other essay- so I'm just going to leave it at that. I told you that you helped me- I meant that- I won't forget it.
Well, I did really dream that and I knew exactly what it meant. You are the mountain- and I, very curiously wanted to explore what was inside- there seemed to be so much- so much creation, excitement- but above all, fun.
And I did have fun with you- I won't forget that.
I had many favorite parts of this story- many favorite moments-
Candles
sushi
our many conversations
glasses
video clips
the piano
video games
making out in restaurant
cold hands in your pocket
helping me get out of parking validation
bookstore
the little question game
I wanted to have more fun with you- have more moments- the possibilities of museums, botanical gardens, bike rides – all exciting prospects- but as you can see, the house is me, myself- mind body and soul- and I have to protect that.
I know this letter seems odd, maybe even unnecessary- I would prefer to say it in person- but given our short time of knowing one another and the given circumstances, this was the only way I could think to tell you that-
I can't do this anymore- its not really right for me. This arrangement would leave me in a state of limbo and questioning- and as much as I would have enjoyed the showers and the sex and all those physical pleasures- I'm really not in a place to do that right now- at least not with the given circumstances. I think you understand that- and perhaps are even somewhat relieved.
You know as well as I, that we want different things- that's pretty key here and despite what we have in common, we're very different. Perhaps that was a part of the attraction, it always is. I'm a good person- I know you are too.
I can't tell you how much I've learned in this short amount of time- but that could require a whole other essay- so I'm just going to leave it at that. I told you that you helped me- I meant that- I won't forget it.
V
V,
First word.
Wow.
Second word.
Wow.
set up
It's late. The longest crazyest shoot days, 14 hour/days 4 hours of sleep everynight (i wake up wide from 3am-7am each night, don't know why, stuck in a routine. Then I get tired but have to leave at 8. I hope tonight is different. ) Fight with Playa (partner) today, just part of our shooting process, fight with friend A on sunday, made up tonight -long conversation since car ride into home- till now; need to get some sleep. On phone with with A, check myspace.. message. Sh** have to read this. hang up.
First thought when I read the title "Letter"
She's ending it with me.
Second thought... if so, good for her.
I was right.
Begin:
Ok. I understand all to well, and you do to. Thank you your welcome and I'm sorry.
Negatives:I know I haven't made things easy or simple or fair in our soup for you. I know how annoying plans 3 hours prior could be, or no set plans, or not knowing when a commincation will happen or what the f**k one wants when blabla. A pain in the f**king a**. I know and I'm sorry for that.
Thank you again for your card on my birthday and I apolgize for the lack there of fair responce. Lifes been crazy but that's not the excuse.
Truth. (Sorry this letter is written so gay, its just how my brain is right now, if we were too conversate (not a real word) right now it would be one of our infamous 6 hour conversations) - where was I, O Truth,
Honestly, I respect you for making this decision. I do. You have a lot to give and it should be reserved for someone in a place to recieve it. Not a "moment living, "character" with no trust, consistancy, or availablily", again part of the attraction. F**ked up, but it is what it is.
yes sex and other physical enjoyments and future moments would have been amazing with you. Man, the sh*t i would have done to you! Ha, but in truth at the other end of the moment tunnel would have been a pile of despair. And it would have sucked for both us of. I knew eventually our bubble had to pop. And I prob. wasn't going to be the one to do it.
Your words were kind about me and you describing the memroies of us were indicive (I think thats the word) of the way I think. Amazing indeed and why we connected.
I also respect you cause I know where you are right now, I have been there too, and I did the same thing as are you. Walking away with head high. I had to and it was the right choice.
We also connect here ironically speaking.
I'm glad you see our tale as a learning experience rather than a negative one, cause I feel the same.
Ive never had such a instant-dating-reflective experiecne with anyone in this way before.
Thank you for your honesty and dignity with the letter sent to me. I hope at least you see as a weight off you.
It's late now, I'm a bit delusional. But I wish you the best, I feel silly saying some sorta good-bye, kinda dumb, I guess. Sorry.
And really... thank you.
Feel free to respond or not. Either way I understand. Good night.
Aquarius
P. S. don't forget chocolate cake, never forget chocolate cake. O yeah and fried ice cream.
Wow.
Second word.
Wow.
set up
It's late. The longest crazyest shoot days, 14 hour/days 4 hours of sleep everynight (i wake up wide from 3am-7am each night, don't know why, stuck in a routine. Then I get tired but have to leave at 8. I hope tonight is different. ) Fight with Playa (partner) today, just part of our shooting process, fight with friend A on sunday, made up tonight -long conversation since car ride into home- till now; need to get some sleep. On phone with with A, check myspace.. message. Sh** have to read this. hang up.
First thought when I read the title "Letter"
She's ending it with me.
Second thought... if so, good for her.
I was right.
Begin:
Ok. I understand all to well, and you do to. Thank you your welcome and I'm sorry.
Negatives:I know I haven't made things easy or simple or fair in our soup for you. I know how annoying plans 3 hours prior could be, or no set plans, or not knowing when a commincation will happen or what the f**k one wants when blabla. A pain in the f**king a**. I know and I'm sorry for that.
Thank you again for your card on my birthday and I apolgize for the lack there of fair responce. Lifes been crazy but that's not the excuse.
Truth. (Sorry this letter is written so gay, its just how my brain is right now, if we were too conversate (not a real word) right now it would be one of our infamous 6 hour conversations) - where was I, O Truth,
Honestly, I respect you for making this decision. I do. You have a lot to give and it should be reserved for someone in a place to recieve it. Not a "moment living, "character" with no trust, consistancy, or availablily", again part of the attraction. F**ked up, but it is what it is.
yes sex and other physical enjoyments and future moments would have been amazing with you. Man, the sh*t i would have done to you! Ha, but in truth at the other end of the moment tunnel would have been a pile of despair. And it would have sucked for both us of. I knew eventually our bubble had to pop. And I prob. wasn't going to be the one to do it.
Your words were kind about me and you describing the memroies of us were indicive (I think thats the word) of the way I think. Amazing indeed and why we connected.
I also respect you cause I know where you are right now, I have been there too, and I did the same thing as are you. Walking away with head high. I had to and it was the right choice.
We also connect here ironically speaking.
I'm glad you see our tale as a learning experience rather than a negative one, cause I feel the same.
Ive never had such a instant-dating-reflective experiecne with anyone in this way before.
Thank you for your honesty and dignity with the letter sent to me. I hope at least you see as a weight off you.
It's late now, I'm a bit delusional. But I wish you the best, I feel silly saying some sorta good-bye, kinda dumb, I guess. Sorry.
And really... thank you.
Feel free to respond or not. Either way I understand. Good night.
Aquarius
P. S. don't forget chocolate cake, never forget chocolate cake. O yeah and fried ice cream.
Um confusing right… were you confused… I certainly was. He wants me to respond...? This is where it gets kind of retarded…
Aquarius,
Thank you for writing.
I didn't expect to hear back.
I don't even know how to respond. I know I shouldn't.
But I'm responding. (In infamous length-y format)
And I don't even know if it matters.
All I can say is that I am in a state of "I don't know. " I don't know if that's lame or if that matters-all I can say is, "I don't know. "
If I remember correctly, you seemed to like that answer. I'm not sure if that's right.
There has been some things going down at work- and so I have to focus on that right now.
I do know that at least right now, this is the best thing- and yes there is a certain relief to it- the soup as it was, was exciting, but stressful- and a lot of different things-
Of course... I have questions... and probably some answers- but I'm not going to ask them right here and now- and really its not my place to do that. I appreciate you talking about the negatives- and really of course, there were certain things that mattered more than others- but I don't think myspace is the best way to talk about it- so I'm just going to put that to the side. I really can't fairly respond to you this way.
I'm not perfect- shocker(!)- there are some things I discovered through this that I kind of need to address with myself. There are some things I need to figure out and maybe even- change- I guess that's the deal with growing up.
I know I need some time.
I didn't expect to hear back.
I don't even know how to respond. I know I shouldn't.
But I'm responding. (In infamous length-y format)
And I don't even know if it matters.
All I can say is that I am in a state of "I don't know. " I don't know if that's lame or if that matters-all I can say is, "I don't know. "
If I remember correctly, you seemed to like that answer. I'm not sure if that's right.
There has been some things going down at work- and so I have to focus on that right now.
I do know that at least right now, this is the best thing- and yes there is a certain relief to it- the soup as it was, was exciting, but stressful- and a lot of different things-
Of course... I have questions... and probably some answers- but I'm not going to ask them right here and now- and really its not my place to do that. I appreciate you talking about the negatives- and really of course, there were certain things that mattered more than others- but I don't think myspace is the best way to talk about it- so I'm just going to put that to the side. I really can't fairly respond to you this way.
I'm not perfect- shocker(!)- there are some things I discovered through this that I kind of need to address with myself. There are some things I need to figure out and maybe even- change- I guess that's the deal with growing up.
I know I need some time.
V
PS What is this chocolate cake you're talking about- was it the brownie at Houston's- or was it Dolce- cuz I swore we had Creme Brulee.
V,
Body:
first off, i spelled response wrong - im an idiot. at least one of the reasons you should stop talking to me.
second - been non stop working like crazy trying to get this video done. it's all i am and all i do. i dream about it, its like birthing this creature.
third - i think that by responding i mess you up more. I'm a communication junkie (as are you me thinks) but it's also f**ked up to do in honestly. I think it makes it harder for you to stick to your orignal intincts, and allows you to get emotions pumping again. I do the same thing.
So let me send this, and then don't respond. I just didn't want to not respond to you and end off like that.
second - been non stop working like crazy trying to get this video done. it's all i am and all i do. i dream about it, its like birthing this creature.
third - i think that by responding i mess you up more. I'm a communication junkie (as are you me thinks) but it's also f**ked up to do in honestly. I think it makes it harder for you to stick to your orignal intincts, and allows you to get emotions pumping again. I do the same thing.
So let me send this, and then don't respond. I just didn't want to not respond to you and end off like that.
Aquarius
p. s. it was the brownie. it's got a cakey thing going on.
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