Crashing the Party

Codename: "F**k Your Way to the Top"

Location: Party in BH

Website: The simply power of the internet in tracking down the location

When you work in a place 55 hours a week, you begin to bone up and realize that if you want something, you have to go get it. Thus, I crashed a major work party by using the power of the internet and tracking the location down. It’s not like I snuck in, I was off the clock! While one of my co-workers gave me dagger eyes, everyone else had no problem and my other co-worker let me in, because she’s super cool.

I normally do not like these parties, not everyone is always very nice to you and often times, I might be ignored… but not in this case. I kept my head down from the people I thought might not like the fact that one of their “subjects” was among “royals”. Other than that, people were very nice to me.

Besides, I spotted some interns and other assistants and was like, um wtf? It was about time I took some initiative and was like, hey, if they get to go to the party, well why can’t I? Of course, I never said it like that.

At first when I walked in, I immediately spotted Michael C. Hall (love him) who looked great. Then I saw a whole series of super skinny actresses, in tight dresses and stick thin legs. I’m already super tiny and petite and felt like I needed to do a couple laps around the block for like, the rest of my life.

Posh wasn't there but she = SKIN-NAY

Of course, there were hot looking actors, a bit older, but still hot. I usually try to stay away from actors, basically because I dated a few and all they bring is disappointment and heartache, although this could be said for a number of people and professions.

But when you’re at a work party and career minded, what do you do but mingle from people from work, who happened to be very nice that evening. I avoided the people I thought might not be so nice.

Although one of the colleagues, who I considered to be a political hire, let’s call him “F**k your way to the top” was so drunk and I think even hitting on me a bit. I wasn’t sure at first, except when I returned to the party, adjusted my sequined skirt and saw him checking me out. His conversation with me early had a slight “I might want to f**k you later” undertone and when he saw I wasn’t feeding into it, he asked where the restrooms were. That’s okay, he doesn’t know I’ve turned celibate and f**king my way to the top is not in my spiritual plan.

Crashing the party is fun and highly effective for meeting hot people, just make sure it’s not work relate, someone else’s gig would be slightly better for your reputation.

The Formula for an FWB

The Limbo Ordeal

Codename: Aquarius

Location: His Place/Rustic Canyon

Website: Jdate.com

The problem is… when you quit sex in an FWB situation… what do you become? Just friends?

I finally felt like I was in control. And it felt good. I had to take a day off from work to take care of this non-profit that I was helping on the side and realized that at the end of the day, I would have nothing to do and was close to Santa Monica.  So I called Aquarius to ask if he was doing anything later so we could hang out.

Since I was going to be done early, I did an excessive thing and went to Burke Williams in Santa Monica to get a facial with Bianca- who is AWESOME. I had a crappy cell phone signal, but I figured, I was on my time anyway, Aquarius could just wait.

Aquarius, as always, wanted to do dinner and at some place good, so upon recommendation, we went to Rustic Canyon on Wilshire. Little did I know, upon walking into the restaurant, and on my day off no less, that I would see one of the BIG BOSSES from work having a business meeting. Of course, it is never like the BIG BOSS is ever super friendly because of the nature of the business, so my polite nod was completely ignored and I was totally freaked out that I was sitting mere tables away, wearing a halter top and a mini-skirt!

                                          

                                                       

Aquarius did not get it. He thought I was a freak. But the food was AMAZING. The risotto was complete yum. And at the end of the meal, we went halfsies but at this point, I was well adjusted that this was a friend situation not a date one, even though it felt like one.

At the end of the night, he made me watch Woody Allen’s Deconstructing Henry and while I appreciate Woody Allen’s talent, especially with Vicky Christina Barcelona,  while Aquarius raved about it, I sat there trying to figure out why we were watching a movie with the lights out and how in the heck we were not making out.

                                                      This is not a date movie.

The truth was, the power was rolling back into Aquarius land and I was along for the ride. Because NOW  I wanted it but it was ME who closed the door.

But as I was falling asleep and then realized that I should get going, he walked me to the door and I was seriously confused as the evening was more date-like and yet there was nothing physical about it. I supposed I felt good that he was now working for us to become friends. Or rather, preying on the fact that I called off the sex and he sensed I wanted to be physical and now he was the one who could make the call.

F**k.

V's got a new look.

Coming soon...

confessionsofav.com

How To Quit Sex

Codename: Aquarius

Location: His Place

Website: Jdate.com

As the hook ups continued, the more attached I got and the more things between us started to feel “as if” we were in a declared relationship. During the month of June,  Aquarius wasn’t really seeing anyone and neither was I. Our communication was far more consistent as far as IM’s go but the fact of the matter was, this was not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. This was a relationship that wasn’t a relationship.

So as I was putting on my shoes at 1AM in the morning, I finally brought it up.

How to quit the sex in a non-relationship…

Step 1: Make sure you get that last session out of the way, otherwise you might find yourself in a quick relapse.

Step 2: Have your clothes and shoes on. Any revealing skin may revert you back into nudity.

Step 3: Be certain and confident in your decision, because once you pose the point, there may be no going back and it will leave your opponent with all the power.

Step 4: Squint and make your opponent blurry as you bring up the subject so you have absolutely no desire to jump their bones as the words are coming out of your mouth.

Step 5: Do not expect protest and do not be disappointed if there is none.

Step 6: Once the subject is laid down, time to hustle and go home.

You should feel relieved at this point.

As Aquarius stood in the hallway of his living room, in his undershirt, underwear, socks and the dreaded glasses that I had some sort of fetish for, I set the words carefully, “At some point, I see us becoming friends and eventually the sex will have to stop.”

There’s that word, “eventually” – if I had said, I can’t see you anymore and quit cold turkey, I don’t think I could have done it. It would have been like I was quitting a narcotic and breaking out into sweats. I had already gone too far and all I could do was slowly wean myself off my addiction to oxytocin. And his reaction… “Okay.” Shrug. “Makes sense.”

Typical.

I had hoped I would feel back in control and in a way I did. For awhile.

A Relationship...But It's Not

Codename: Aquarius

Location: His place

Website: Jdate.com

That June, Aquarius and I started hanging out more and inevitably kept sleeping together after that night of  birthday sex. In some ways, I was happy about it. At the time, I really liked being around him. In other ways, I was f**ked up about it, because I knew I was in complete denial about how attached I was getting.

If you’re in a situation where you’re not sure “what it is”, consult the checklist below:

The Candida Scare

Folks…

I want to take a moment to talk about what no man or woman ever really wants to hear about …

The Vajadge (pronounced Va-JAY-ge – like Va and some change).

There are many names for the female genital organ that over 50 percent of the world population possesses: Vadge, Va-jay-jay, Chacha, Twat, Coot, Coochie, Snatch, Crotch, Daisy, Pink Taco, Ice Box, Plauto, the male favorite P*ssy…

And who can forget the cultural representation: toto (Puerto Rican), puttana (Italian), memek (Indonesian), omanko (Japanese) , muff (English), fandan (Lowland Scots), pizda (Slovenian), cachimba (Spanish)…

In short, I want to bring your attention to the vagina.

As Eve Ensler wrote in her Vagina Monologues, no one ever really wants to hear about your vagina. Penis apparently is universally accepted, like a credit card, but “vagina” not only sounds funny, it’s complicated.

My weekend, should have been filled with R&R, instead my Vajadge had a crisis.

After 9 months of abstinence from sex, I had done the deed with Abolicious who indeed proved his douchiness. Not only was he a douche after sex, he was a douche during sex and had been way too rough for a girl my size. Spotting after sex is not ideal.

But I didn’t think anything of it, I figured he was just super rough. Even over the next couple weeks where I had slight… how shall we say this … “cottage cheese”, I figured it was the weather change and if anything was wrong, that my Vajadge would speak up and tell me.

Well… last Friday… while having sex, the Vajadge SPOKE and it SCREAMED: “Get this bastard’s c*ck out of me!” And she spit it out. Because it not only hurt like a mofo… the next day it burned.

So before taking the train to San Diego to visit my friend, I rushed on over to Albertson’s because it was the only thing closest to me that was open at 7AM in the morning and bought a box of Miconizole 3… yes, it’s my favorite too, especially because you get an awesome applicator and either cream or solid suppository that you have to lie down and shove up your Vajadge or risk leakage. I know, ewww, yuck, nasty, gross.

Basically, this seems like a yeast infection… but then my mind unravels… ‘OMG, Abolicious had 40 partners before so even though he wore a condom, condoms are never 100 percent… OMG I should never had sex last night, I should have made sure he had JUST been tested…OMG there’s blood on the applicator… SOMETHING’S WRONG! SOMETHING’S WRONG!’

Then later on… I Googled. Chlymidia has similar symptoms… so does Gonorrhea … so does Syphilis … so does HERPES!

The Panic set in.

I called a friend, Nurse TIFA:

V: TIFA!

TIFA: Hi Sweetie, what’s wrong?

V: I have a female problem!

TIFA: Go ahead.

V: I had sex a couple weeks ago, spotted, and then saw signs of what I think is a yeast infection, but had sex again last night, both times were with a condom and it hurt like a b*tch. This morning I felt burning in my Vajadge canal so I bought the over the counter 3 day thing.

TIFA: Well, you should never treat anything without seeing your G.Y.N.

V: It helped though. It hurt me so bad. But is there something else wrong? I’ve never seen blood on the applicator and can’t tell if it’s just my period coming or if there’s something wrong.

TIFA: Well, it could just be that you had rough sex and that you already had the infection and it was exacerbated by intercourse.

V: Ok. So I’m not going to become infertile? So I don’t need to go to emergency?

TIFA: No. It could take years before your fallopian tubes fell out. But since it’s a holiday weekend, you should probably go to your G.Y.N Tuesday.

V: (Sigh) Ok thanks TIFA.

I was committed to cleansing the Vajadge and drank a sh*tload of cranberry juice (usually helpful with UTI’s) and eating plain Greek yogurt (I hate yogurt) with granola and berries.

While things did improve throughout the weekend, my Vajadge was still talking to me, “Look what you did to me! You corrupted me with casual c*ck! How could you do this to me! Why can’t you find yourself a nice guy and have a monogamous relationship?!”

I talked back, “Look, Vajadge! I’m sorry! As you can see online dating has been the thing to bring in any guys at all to the plate. And 99.9 percent of them are horrible. The .1 percent was okay and we just didn’t work out, but that other 99.9 percent were a bunch of douches and just want a**. I’m a woman! I have needs! If I can’t find Mr. Right, why is it so wrong to find Mr. Right Now?”

Vajadge got pissed, “BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT MR. RIGHT NOW DID TO ME!”

I took a breath, “Okay, I know, I’m sorry. You’re right. I keep accepting the lowest possible grade. I keep settling for what I can get when I deserve so much more. If we survive this, I’m going celibate for awhile, I’m going to cleanse and refocus on what I want, in fact I may even go to the Chopra Center and meditate. And I promise you, here and now, Vajadge, that I will NOT have intercourse with any man, unless he is relationship worthy and we truly care about each other and we BOTH get tested. I don’t care if it takes a year, two years… woah woah, now we’re getting carried away…strike that, reverse it… from now on my intentions will be stated from the beginning. If he doesn’t state an intention that fits with my intention, just say no.”

And as I made this important and spiritual promise to my Vajadge, my phone buzzed and I noticed a text… ‘WTF, who the f**k is texting me at 10PM at night when I am out of town? You have got to be f**king kidding me? Seriously, I’m being booty called?! Leave me alone!’

It’s like THEY KNOW. When it rains, it pours… and infection ensues.

So when Tuesday rolled around and I rushed to my Doctor, I came with two pages of notes describing my symptoms since my fabulous Aunt Flo came to town, thus making it impossible to do my “favorite” yet very necessary pap smear.

So my Doctor basically said the same thing as TIFA, a yeast infection that very well was irritated by intercourse. A sigh of relief like nobody’s business came out of me. But I still requested all my STD tests even though I had been tested just last year and had been fine. Chlymidia, Gonorrhea , Syphilis, HIV were all on my to do list. I asked her does anyone get tested for Herpes and she said, not usually without an outbreak because most people are carriers for the virus responsible for cold sores, so it will show positive. Since she couldn’t swab me, the tests were done by urine and blood.

Then she prescribed me Fluconazole, a single tablet taken orally to rid you of your yeast infection in 24 hours. At first, I thought, ‘Cool.’ However…

This particular medication has side effects of headaches, cramps and nausea and since I have a particularly small body and am sensitive to heavy duty meds, the side effects hit me unbelievably hard that I had to lie in bed with a heat pad. So while the med, did improve symptoms by the next day, it can take several days for the infection to clear up and stays in your system during that time.

Basically my Vajadge said, “F*ck you, V… F*ck you.”

But during my sick delirium I had a couple dreams. Somehow sickness brings about wisdom in the unconsciousness. My first dream, I dreamt the father in the T.V. show Lois and Clark, yes the one with Dean Cain, told me a wise saying, “You can’t chase love, it must push toward you.”

My second dream, I dreamt about my Ex, the one who I had not seen in 5 years who ran away to marry some ugly girl in Paris. No, I mean it, she was not cute, just French, if she was amazingly gorgeous, I swear I would have told you and it would have helped me understand things better. I dreamt that I met him again and his wife had left him and at some point we made out. Yet, at no point did I want to get back together with him or marry him. I was meant for something more than him.

If Eddie Jones (the guy who played Clark’s Dad in “Lois and Clark”) can come into my dream and whisper me the secret to finding love, then it has to mean something.

So I announce to you, that I will not be having any sexual intercourse, that I will remain celibate till I meet someone relationship worthy. If I can switch to drinking Decaf coffee during the week… I can do this.