Dear V of 10 years ago

Codename: Aquarius

Location: Beach/His Place

Website: Jdate.com

Dear V of 10 years ago,

I find myself in a predicament I would never have moved forward in when I was you. When I was you, I preached anti-drugs and anti-smoking. When I was you, I purposely dressed in pajamas to pretend I didn’t care about male attention. When I was you, I didn’t date, I didn’t make out with anyone and I had never had sex. If you had met me now, you wouldn’t know me.

I had been working at my second job, promoting some high school program, my head focused on what I do best, work. Of course, who could have texted me on day of days after not calling me after we had finally done the deed, to make a point that he was absolutely not interested in a relationship with me?

Of course,  it was Aquarius.

I ignored it. For a minute. Then I texted him back that I was working. And as predicted, he wanted to hang out. I had a hair appointment. He wanted to go to the beach. I went to my hair appointment. After hours of turning mousy brown into sun kissed highlights, I finally said that I could hang out with Aquarius. I told him I had just gotten my hair done and would not be hanging out in the water, which was still too cold to dip in, in April weather.

I had brought over my food from Panera and was nice enough to bring him a cookie. It was obvious my head was somewhere else and that seemed to draw his attention. He complimented on my hair, said the woman did a good job. I took it and said, “Thank you.” He snuck in a, “You look sexy by the way.” Another compliment, but I was really unaffected by it. “We should smoke today.” I turned nutty female and said, “Are you crazy, I just got my hair done!” He asserted that it was I who was crazy and in all the years he smoked, none of it ever got in their hair.

Trying to broaden my horizons, I left myself open to the idea. So he prepared his arrangements, pouring rum in a plastic bottle and packing plastic cups. He took his foldout chairs, some towels and his other supplies and off we walked to the beach. We set up just above the tide which is when he realized… he had forgotten to pack the coke. Aquarius was always about those little details of the experience. However, quirky, it was one of the things I liked about him best and something I related to. I really appreciated that he put some effort into these things. It was like a little gift, that he appeared he never intended to give, but underlying all that, deep down, he wanted to give it to someone and in that moment, it was me and a part of him wanted me to have it.

While Aquarius ran to buy some coke, I set up. When he came back, he prepared our drinks and we drunk our makeshift Roman Cokes as the sun began to set. We chit chatted about various things, about writing, about not writing, until finally he set up his umbrella on the beach and prepared his pipe. I was nervous. I had never done this before. He had me lie next to him on my stomach underneath the umbrella. He taught me how to light the pipe and warned me to not inhale. It burned the sh*t out of my throat as I sucked the smoke in. As I rolled over to grab the bottle of Roman Coke, my boob fell out of my shirt and he grabbed it. Typical, but I liked it. He at least tucked it back in.

I told him I felt absolutely no different. Just drunk.

Then I felt somewhat floaty, as if I were spacey and my mind floated above me. My thoughts were clear. It was odd; I was so used to my mind racing with thoughts, worries and emotions. I began to ramble about the clarity and Buddha and wondered if this was what they had meant by “meditative” state. He entertained it.

I went into the water, he got all neurotic about it, warning that my clothes would get wet. I didn’t care. It was warm enough that I could walk in and enjoy it. I had to stop myself from going all Bridget Jones 2 and dancing in the ocean with my clothes on.

I was in a happy and clear state which was unusual but it wasn’t something I wanted to allow myself to be in all the time. It was like my brain was dry and wired.

As we walked back to his apartment, I asked if I could borrow some clothes from him and throw my pants in the dryer. Of course, he had nothing that fit me except a pair of boxer shorts. Worked for me.

The air of awkwardness was above us, all I had on was a tank top and his shorts, not that he could see that I had went commando (um wet undies = no fun).

Like a kid, he had me go to his room to check out Virtual Haircut (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zusU0fVB2Ys)with stereo headphones. Not caring, I closed my eyes and lay on the bed.

I came out when I was finished; he was in his kitchen disposing of the bottles. I asked him for some water. Then our conversation progressed. First he sat on the floor, talking to me.

Until it finally came to point, “What do you want with me? Why are you doing this?”

I wasn’t afraid of the question.

He shrugged and said, “I don’t know. This-” He gestured. “It is what it is.”

I looked at him and shook my head understanding what he meant and at the same time knowing he was full of sh*t.

“Is this about sex?”

“No.”

“I don’t get it.”

“What is there to get? I mean I don’t want anything that’s just sex, with someone just panting and who get’s up to leave. I’ve had that.”

“Then is this friends with benefits, because that’s not what I’m into.”

“No. I don’t know if you can label it.”

“Okay.”

He sat across from me on the couch and began a rant about something or other. I had stopped listening at some point and was more peaceful for it. I stroked his calf, which he apparently liked and he began to mimic the same movement on my leg.

Eventually, we went into his room where he showed me more videos. Then I decided to lie on my stomach and have him rub my back. I think he was getting the hint. Until finally, I flipped over… and it was on.

This was way better then the last time. Maybe because this time, whether or not he would admit it to me, there was a part of him that cared. In what way, I didn’t quite understand yet.

V of ten years ago, you would have never slept with someone who was dating someone else, you would have never smoked by the ocean, and you would never have allowed yourself to fall into something on someone else’s terms. But V, you also would have never explored to live. You would have never known what it was. If you weren’t me now, you would still be a virgin. And damn it that would really suck for us.

Xoxo

V