The 40

Codename: “The 40”/ Firefighter

Location: Oliva in Sherman Oaks/Pita Kitchen

Website: PlentyofFish.com

There is always the curiosity of dating an older man. Could they teach me things? Are they better men? Are they more mature?

The answer: Yes and No.

So one day I receive an e-mail from The 40, asking if I would be opposed to dating someone that much older. He had no kids, was never married and certainly did not look 40 at all. Thus, the e-mailing began. Of course, these were the e-mails of conversation, the e-mails of friendship and mild flirtation but because he was out of town visiting his family, we could not meet.

As a red flag, I already knew, there was too much e-mailing already invested. Better to keep it to a few, have a phone conversation and get to the first meeting… otherwise you build it up.

This is exactly what The 40 did.

The phone conversation, while his voice was pleasantly male, gave me indication that perhaps, he was overly formal and dare I say it… he might be kind of… boring.

But he seemed like a nice guy, like a gentleman and despite my protests, he wanted to do dinner.

This is why I never do dinner on a first online date and unless I meet the guy first, I will not agree to it again, because this is the third time my concerns came to fruition:

I was dressed in a black dress, like a female appropriate for a sexy dinner. And while he was waiting for me in the back of the restaurant, while he was attractive, the second he opened his mouth, I just knew… no.

I had already warned him the possibility of this and he was already aware of what could happen on both sides.

I felt overdressed but I came to represent.

He was a good conversationalist, but was very business dinner. I thought this was a date not a meeting.

We ended up just talking about work. We talked very little of family, but in the end… there was nothing there, nothing he could convince me was worth pursuing further.

Then the check came, I threw in my credit card with his, and he let me.

Now here’s the thing, we had talks about the appropriateness of paying and he boasted that he always treated (even if I would have offered or wouldn’t allow it) and how generous he was with people. And he again was this contradiction even though it was his idea to do dinner and he essentially invited me. The first date is a very telling indication of a man and the fact that he allowed me to pay without a fight. Even if things don’t work out sometimes it’s better to be the better man.

Such was the case with Firefighter. A week ago I met a guy that worked downtown and had done Public Relations in the service and was now a firefighter who suggested we go to Pita Kitchen. I offered to pay and he refused it and paid, even though I could tell we weren’t quite going to make it to the next date. Firefighter had class even at age 30.

The 40 had fake class.

Confessions of a Douche (The Snake Part II)

Codename: Abolicious
Location: His place Woodland Hills
Website: POF

Recap: Abolicious and I had just done the deed, but now he was in absolute guy mode- having gotten his goods and now wanted me out… but not so fast…

My interrogation began:

V: So how come it took you 3 months to reopen the door?

A: Huh?

V: I mean, why would you have me in the backseat of your car and then hustle me to my car?

A: Um, if you’re asking me if I’m looking for a relationship… I’m not.

V: Oh no, I got that sweetie. Nope I figured that one out.

A: (Attempting to change the subject) Can you scratch my back?

V: (Smiling slyly and scratching his back quid pro quo) I mean, don’t you think that’s a bit of a douche bag thing to do?

A: You’re only asking this because you’re drunk.

V: Nope, I had every intention of asking you this tonight.

A: I thought you wanted to leave, so I dropped you off.

V: No, you didn’t. But don’t worry; I’ve got plenty of questions for you this evening. And seeing as I’m drunk and will not be driving till I sober up, you’ll have to put up with me a little while longer.

We both were putting on our clothes at this point and made our way down to the kitchen. This time Abolicious made sure I had all my things… but I was just getting started.

V: Do my questions make you feel uncomfortable? Aw. Poor you. But you know you can be strait with me, you can always tell me the truth.

A: I can. Okay, that’s enough questions for this evening.

V: Awww, but they’re so much fun. Don’t you have any questions for me?

A: Not really.

V: Come on, they’re fun. It’s only fair.

A: Why are you here?

V: Because I’m attracted to you.

A: So how you feeling?

V: Well, not quite ready to get behind the wheel just yet, but don’t worry.

By this time, his roommate walked in the kitchen. I introduced myself. At some point within the banter between me, Abolicious and his roomie, Abolicious had the audacity to slap me. He did it softly, but really just to egg me on to get me to leave. But as I explained to the douche, I was still sobering up. I told him in my nice and sweet “Do not f**k with me” voice to stop. He did it again. I told him I would slap him back. He said I wouldn’t. I told him I would slap him politically.

Now he or you could think that I am full of crap. But don’t challenge a woman scorned. He was in the midst of starting a brand new job and had told me where and was physically taunting me. If I wanted to, I could mess with that. I wouldn’t really want to, because that’s just crazy, but the fact that he had the nerve to put his hands on me like that would beg for retaliation.

He stopped after that. What a f**king douche.

Even though I wanted to, I couldn’t leave till I felt I was okay. But I wasn’t done with my questions either and the more uncomfortable I could make him feel (within reason), the more pleased I became. After all his behavior, he deserved this.

After his roommate left, Abolicious showed me pictures of him, his friends and his family. This was something Aquarius had also done and I didn’t get it.

You’re not interested in a relationship with me, you’re not interested in friendship with me, quite frankly you just want to f**k me and have me leave and were of course, far more charming when I arrived then you are now… so why in the hell are you telling me about your family? 

It’s a question I thought but didn’t ask. I came up with my own answer:

Because he’s a douche, that’s why.

A: I’m gonna get another tattoo on the other side (pointing to his right side of abdomen) with the name of my first born.

V: Um, don’t you want to bounce the name off your wife first?

He didn’t answer.

Ugh- really you picked out the name of your child and you haven’t even met the person you’re having it with? Might as well beat your chest and stomp your feet like King Kong, because I bet your future wife is going to put up with that. What a winner.

We sat at the poker table he had made, across from each other. The Rapid Fire began…

V: So why POF?

A: Just another tool.

V: Why me?

A: You girls always ask that, like ‘Am I special?’

Abolicious checked his cell phone and whispered, “Stop texting me.”

V: Poor you, all these hot girls are texting you and it’s such a burden. But why contact me when the door was closed, why reopen it?

A: Why not? It’s totally random.

V: How very existential of you.

A: Why me?

V: Because you’re attractive, you’re cute, you’re non-threatening. And I’m not attached.

A: I like to have sex with a lot of girls, of all ages. When I was working the bar, we would just cab it to their house.

V: Who was the craziest girl?

A: One girl bit me and I bled. I was like, ‘Please leave.’ But not in those words.

V: It’s like, “Get the f**k outta my house.”

A: Exactly.

V: So why not be strait with me from the very beginning, you were a bit mixed.

A: You never meet that person on the first date, it’s like Chris Rock says, “You’re not meeting with me, you’re meeting with my representative.”

V: Did I not clearly represent myself?

A: Sure. But I never said I wanted a relationship. If a guy wants a relationship, he says that upfront.

V: Uh it does not always happen like that.

A: Yes it does, that’s what guys do. Always.

V: While you have a point, it doesn’t always start with that intention. And it’s not that you don’t want a relationship. It’s that you don’t want a relationship with me.

Boom. Quiet. He continued his texts.

A: No more questions.

He had his points. I had mine. It couldn’t always be for every a + b = c. Life could never be so simple. If that was the case, I would never have had a relationship- because the first time around, there was no way he could have had that plan with me or I with him, because in one month, I had to go back to New York.

V: Come on, it’s fun. I’m almost finished. Besides, you had a pretty girlfriend in college.

A: I had 2 gorgeous girlfriends in college, both 2.5 years each. I never cheated.

V: Wow, good for you.

A: Before that, in high school, I was really awkward, scrawny, I didn’t get any women. My girlfriends, I spoiled them. But they were needy.

V: That has to do with their background.

A: In some cases.

V: Is that why you are the way you are now?

A: I was worse when I was 22, I was a dick. But now I just want to focus on my career.

And you’re not still a dick?

V: That’s a great excuse.

I didn’t want a relationship with this guy and it was obvious, but I guess I was trying to understand his whole front, his whole need to boast this b*llsh*t. He was 25 going on 26 and I was slightly older, and even though he was not that much younger, everything he said carried no weight for me. To me, he was nothing more than a child. And I finally just came up with my own conclusion…

This whole thing was about his ego. His insecurities and his needs. (Not that I didn’t have my own). It was all about the type of women he could get, what he could get them to do, what he could get out of them and how they heightened his own status. It was all about the starting salary he could get at his new job (which was not that great especially after taxes), the ranking of the school he attended (I was like ‘Uh the ranking is in the 30’s and my school was ranked higher- bi-otch’) and that he would give up any attempt at his original goals for settling in a life in sales so he could have a family (Can we say , ‘Aw’?- how ‘bout no. It was so tunnel vision, he wouldn’t even attempt to find a way to do both and it wasn’t even like he was middle-aged). It was just a whole thing about, ‘Look how great I am’ and ‘It’s all about me’. Blegh. Maybe they were right about Generation Y.

The truth is, I think if he had been blunt with me from the beginning and not so “vague”. I would have been fine with the arrangement if he had treated me with respect. It should have been more apparent in the very beginning, not a bait and switch, I think that is what bugs me the most. You present what it is you want and the person can choose to partake or not. Yet, something happens when a guy releases and has, in a word, caught his pray… his decency goes to sh*t. Will there ever be a Casanova that a woman feels justified with?

The Snake

Codename: Abolicious
Website: POF
Location: His place

I just got some last night.

I really wish I could feel good about this. But I just don’t.

Recap: I had met Abolicious a few months ago had a great first date but got too hot and heavy. Had a few mixed signals about his intentions and then second date, he bailed on me last minute texting me his “Best Friend Had a Heart Attack”. Every guy I told this to, laughed and rightly so, but Abolicious insisted it was true. So I went out with him again and he ended up being extra douchy so I defriended him on Facebook and avoided him silly, till I called him out on it on text to which he then stopped talking to me…

Until recently.

He had tried to friend me, AGAIN! I refused to accept so I responded and said if he wanted to hang he could call me.

A week went by and my curiosity got the best of me.

I e-mailed him and asked him if the Facebook friend thing was such a big deal. That afternoon I got a phone call.

I chit chatted how he had been, he had gotten a new job for a rent a car management company- but last I talked to him he had wanted to work in sports. He was trying to get me over to his new place he was sharing with roommates and offered up the Jacuzzi.

The fact was, I knew exactly what he wanted. And I’m not going to lie. I wanted it too.

But I couldn’t get over the fact that I knew how douchy he had been, and I wasn’t going to feel right about getting down and dirty unless I had the opportunity to call him out on his behavior. So this was my chance…

I told him I wasn’t sure yet about meeting up with him that night- here this was again, a guy making last minute plans with me on purpose so I didn’t have expectations.

I didn’t have anything planned that night anyway and I was curious as hell so I agreed to hang out, bring some movies but he was to provide food and booze.

So here I was driving to Woodland Hills (where I had been for a similar situation right across the street… another story that will come up later) and I waited for Ab to greet me. He showed me around his new place, which was well kept, a definite bachelor pad. He showed me this poker table he had made, which was impressive.

There was no doubt Ab was smart and had some talent, the question was why he had been such a douche. I couldn’t get the answer to this question right away, I had to play the game a bit. I was impressed, Ab had stocked his fridge for our little hang out.

We ended up doing a couple tequila shots. For some reason I handle hard liquor better than wine, but doesn’t mean that I don’t get drunk…

Otherwise, I don’t think I would have been that partial to hanging out in his room on his bed watching the movie I brought over.

You know what that led to.

I am not going to deny Ab was hot. In fact, he was probably the hottest guy I have ever been with. His abs were cut, his arms broad and he had a large tongue. He knew what he was doing, even if he was a tad overzealous for a girl my size. Although oddly enough his package? Much like a snake, a narrow long one. Hadn’t had one of those before.

He got his. I didn’t get mine. I told him that involves trust. I don’t mince words. And it was true, I didn’t trust him.

And of course, the second he got his the detachment set in. Such a f**king guy thing.

And then I decided to start my interrogation…

Birthday Sex

"Birthday Sex" Courtesy of Jeremiah and YouTube

Codename: Aquarius

Location: His place/ Houston’s

Website: Jdate.com

Another year older.

And no birthday sex. This was the ridiculousness of seeing someone who you weren’t really seeing.

I really didn’t expect to hear from him at all.

Aquarius: Yo

So, I was shooting this thing

and

V: Ironically, you’re IM’ing me today and guess what today is.

Aquarius: Um…

V: Seriously, you need to say it.

Aquarius: It’s your birthday?

V: Yes.

Aquarius: That is ironic. Happy F**king Birthday V.

V: Thanks

Aquarius: What are you doing tonight?

V: Dinner with my parents.

Aquarius: Well…

If you weren’t doing anything…

I would have taken you out for dinner.

V: Really?

Aquarius: Yea.

V: Then I’m going to hold you to it when I get back from NY.

Aquarius: When are you going?

V: Next week.

Not to glaze over the amazing trip to NY after 3 years of not being there, but I like to cut to the chase. I didn’t hear from Aquarius the whole time I was away. But I was fine. I was in my element. Other hot guys checked me out, but my shyness enveloped me and the fact that I was leaving in a few days didn’t bring out my wild side.

The next month, Aquarius ping’d me. He wanted to show me this video he shot for a competition. This conversation mentioned that I should come over and I reminded his promise for dinner.

When I came to his apartment, all of his furniture in his bedroom had been moved for the shoot, but I liked it much better. It was obvious Aquarius was tired. He went on about his crazy shoot. He was always self absorbed but interesting nonetheless.

“How was New York?”

“It was good.”

“You look good,”

“Thanks.”

I never knew when he would take it to that area, but I really just wanted my birthday dinner. We went to Houston’s where the wait was insanely long. We decided to wait outside and sat on the floor where a homeless man approached us and said, “Go on and kiss your girlfriend, you guys look so cute together.”

I laughed and said, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

He looked at me and said, “Let’s give the man what he wants.”

I took his face and gave him a kiss… on the cheek. Men who don’t call me after sex or while I go on vacation deserve nothing more.

I gave the homeless man a dollar. And in good cheer, Aquarius forked one out as well.

We sat down finally and as I ordered a drink he said, “This is going to cost me, isn’t it.”

“You offered to take me to dinner.” I raised my eyebrows. I was going to make him pay. I had paid for him before. Trust me, the scales needed to be tipped. And it was after all, in honor of my birthday.

We had a fun dinner. I was wondering if indeed, that by playing this role of indifferent, non-challant, casual “dude” was in fact working in my favor. I wondered if the experiment was actually working, that this guy could develop feelings for me and mine would lessen so that the roles were swapped.

We would find out.

After dinner, he asked, “Don’t I get a kiss?”

“Maybe later. But thank you.”

We went back to his house. The summer air had settled in, the cool ocean air filtered through the windows and electricity in the air, when Aquarius ran to the other room and shouted and clapped, “Okay! It’s naked in bed time!”

My face flushed red and I yelled, “What?!”

“Naked in bed, take off your clothes and get in my bed!”

I followed him into the other room where he was hiding under the covers. I jumped on the bed and said, “Noooooo!!!!!!”

He poked his head out from the covers, “You’re not naked.”

I smiled, embarrassed. I really did want to get naked, but he had flipped the f**king scale of power AGAIN.

What could I possibly do but relinquish?

I took off my clothes and got underneath the covers. It really is hard to not want to be naked with someone you’re obviously attracted to. We rolled into a hug and from there…

You get the picture.

By the way, I just want to note, it was my birthday and he STILL did not go down on me. The sex was much better this time, I trusted him more this time around and wondered if maybe, just maybe if he actually cared. And maybe, just maybe in this moment… he did.

Needless to say, when it was over, he started to put his clothes back on and tie his shoe, I gave him a hug from behind, a kiss on his cheek and said, “Thank you.”

He patted my arm, like he didn’t know what to do about that gesture.

I let him go and got ready to leave.