W……T…... F

Code name: Aquarius

Location: Mar Vista/Gladstone’s/ His place SM

Website: J-Date.com

Saturday night. I am on the 405 driving to Mar Vista to visit my friend, Robex who is going to take me to a yummy mystery shop at Gladstone’s.

Of course, because I made plans… who on earth could I possibly hear from…

Aquarius.

He texts me: “Dinner?”

And because I actually respond to people, I do the taboo and call him and tell him I already made plans for dinner, but that I wanted to get back to him.

“Maybe after... we can do dessert?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, call me, if not, no worries.”

F**k he did it, AGAIN, but at this point I don’t give a s**t. Three dates and two make-out sessions later, he has already told me in essence: ‘The game is pointless, there is no way you could ever play this right. I am never going to give you what you want.’

And even though I know this, for the sake of the oxytocin and the pure naiveté, I keep playing the stupid game. In fact, it is like I don’t get it! And in truth, it was because I didn’t.

Over fish and chips, I bring up the situation to Robex:

“So guess who f**ing texted me?”

“Um, Aquarius.”

“Of course.”

“So what does he want?”

“Dinner. But I told him since I had plans with you, I might be able to meet up later so he suggested dessert.”

“Ohhhh dessert.”

“But again with the texting, he never calls.”

“What did I tell you about Aquarius?”

REWIND:

Robex had a little wild and crazy love affair with an Aquarius while in school. He did a little number on her.

He was a drummer. He was crazy. He was cute. He brought her flowers. Sung her songs.

Hot. 

Than… he was off watching “HARRY POTTER”… with some other brunette. Hanging out at a Smashing Pumpkin concert with another red head. No phone calls for Robex.

Cold.

Than back with the flowers. Back with the songs.

Same scenario. Sort of. You get the picture.

“Really? Its just the month he was born.”

“No V. No. It is not. You should not have called back.”

“Why?”

“Once you give in to that behavior, it sets the tone for everything else.”

“But can’t I just… meet up with him later?”

“If you want to…”

“I haven’t been this excited in such a long time!”

“Well, that’s good!”

“Don’t worry… I’m not going to sleep with him.”

“Ohhhhh-kay.”

“I think I’ll be fine. I can handle this.”

I remembered this mantra as I drove over to Aquarius’s apartment, parked in the usual place and walked over to his building. I buzzed him to let me up, but he instead gave me the code, ‘Wow, that is trusting’, I thought.

Yet, when I opened the door to his apartment, I didn’t realize how attracted to him I was. It was like a wave that came over me. His silly cotton t-shirt. His short and skinny physique. His… glasses. I didn’t even know that he wore glasses. And the beard scruff. OMG. Scruff.

And it was a serious weakness for me.

I love a man in glasses. I will never understand how the f**k my brain is wired, but there is something about it. It screams intellectual hottie. My freshman R.A had worn glasses and he often had scruff and he was H-O-T. Later, my Ex-Southern Christian boyfriend had also donned the glasses and the scruff, needless to say, that did it for me.

That evening… I was so f**ked. And not exactly in the way you thought…

I sat next to Aquarius on the couch. We debated going for dessert. We were both full. A moment of indecision passed us. Than Aquarius reached over me…

And pulled out his laptop. Along with two Nintendo controllers.

“Want to play video games?”

“Um, sure.”

Phew.

It is always so funny when you want something and are so afraid to have it. You get to the situation and can cut tension with a knife. You can never rush the moment. If you rush the moment… you kill it.

This is how we passed the next couple of hours. We played video games. He showed me some of the silly videos he made.  He played the piano. I listened. I asked him why he wasn’t making the short films he used to make. He reasoned he wasn't compelled to make them and that he couldn’t write. He showed me pictures of himself when he was younger. He showed me pictures of his newborn nephew.

I really didn’t understand. He was having me get to know him. Forming a friendship. I clearly wanted to hook up with him… and he was moving in the other direction.

Until, he had me sit on his bed.

We sat watching videos of shows from the 80’s on his laptop. He showed me some of his favorite songs. Than he turned my head and began kissing me.

This grew intense. Hot.

I had thrown out the rules. First, it was shirts. Than, it was pants. Till there was nothing left but us.

And than it was third base … well… for him.

I was ready to go for it. Than he asked me, “Should I get a condom?”

I closed my eyes and I sensed the hesitation for myself, “No. I can’t go that far yet.” In the back of my head, I remembered the word of the wise man, I remembered “The Power… of the P***y.” (See Blog #4 “Now That Sounds Like an ‘EXPECTATION’.”)

“Okay.” He replied.

But he gets taken care of. And when we’re done he smiles and says, “Thank you.”

Than I tried to cuddle with him and… he turned to his side… with his back to me.

Detached. Cold.

W……T…... F.

Here I was… in his bed… without a stitch. We had just spent the evening having fun and a second ago we were intimate, so the second he gets what he wants; he just turns his back to me?

W……T……F. (x10)

Then he gets up and goes to the restroom. He begins brushing his teeth. Than as he is flossing he asks me, “What was your first sexual experience like?”

“Um…” I’m holding my knees to my chest, my head dizzy, not able to form sentences because everything that is happening in this moment makes absolutely no sense to me.

“I don’t remember.” I reply.

He already has his boxers back on. I’m looking for my clothes now. In this moment, I don’t even know what I was thinking taking them off.

He takes note and begins putting on his own clothes.

Than I say, “Wait a minute, I need to talk to you.”

“What is it?”

“I’m confused.”

“Why?”

Please take note, the time is now 1:00AM.

“Um, how do I say this? Oh… I just s**ked your d**k. We were intimate. And the second it stopped you basically just turned your back to me like I wasn’t even there.”

He looks at me expressionless. “I was tired.”

“Um no. What’s going on here?”

“I thought we talked about this.”

WTF… continued.

He takes a piece of paper and a pen.

“Okay, how do I explain this. So this is you.” He draws a dot. “And this is me.” He draws a dot and a line in between. “These are your emotions, your thoughts, your expectations.” He is drawing squiggly lines around my dot. “And these are mine.” He draws a faint squiggly. “What we do together, is what happens in between.” He begins drawing wavy lines in between both dots. “And whatever that is, that is.”

I look at him, still confused, waiting for the punch line, “Uh-huh.”

“What you have to remember,” he defines the line between our dots, “Is that whatever is happening over here, is yours.”

“Okay…”

He begins defining the line closer to his dot, “And whatever is happening over here, is mine. And just because this is happening over here for you…”

“Does not mean it is happening the same way for you.”

“Right.”

“So… you don’t feel anything for me?”

He smiles. “I’m not going to answer that.”

“So what is this?”

“It is what it is. It’s our soup.”

“I mean, did you plan this?

“This? No. I really did just want to meet up and have dessert.”

I’m looking at him to see if he is lying. I can’t tell. “I just did not expect to go as far as I did.”

“I didn’t either, but it was awesome.”

“And you said, 'thank you'?”

“Well, what else are you supposed to say?”

“Um, you’re not supposed to say anything. ‘Thank you’ is just condescending.”

“But I didn’t mean it that way. Look, I don’t want this to be a negative experience for you. I don’t want you to look back and think that I’m an asshole. I’m really a nice guy, I do care.”

“My head hurts.”

“Look, if this is how it’s impacting you, than maybe we shouldn’t have sex.”

“But I really want to. I just don’t know how to deal with the other stuff you have going on.”

“I don’t usually have sex with more than one person.”

“But you can’t say that you’ll only have sex with me.”

He doesn’t answer. “I thought you were going to chew on this?”

“I’m still chewing. What time is it?”

I look to the clock. The time is now 3:00AM. We’ve been having this inane conversation for two hours now.

“I have to go.”

“Do you need me to drop you at your car?”

“Sure, as long as you don’t say, ‘Take care.’”

“Than what should I say?”

“Drive safely. So, question: If I offered to pay for lunch, since you always pay and I wanted to do something nice, could that be done?”

FREEZE:

Why did I do that?! I had just given him an"awesome" evening and now I wanted to buy him lunch? WTF on me! ON MEEEEE.

“Yeah, why not?”

As he takes me to my car, I remember not to expect a kiss and I wonder if I could live with constantly lowering my expectations.

“Drive safely.” He says.

I force a smile. “Thanks.”

And in my mind all the possibilities that ran through it, are cut in half. And I am resigned to never see Aquarius again.

I look at my phone and Robex texted me, “So.... how was dessert?”

I smirk. I texted back, “Hot… and Cold… I’ll tell you later.”