Method of Distraction

Codename: III (or The Third)

Location: Coffeeshop/The Grove

Website: J-Date.com

The situation with Aquarius really f***ed me up. Even Yoda couldn’t help me.

“End it.”

“I will. I’m not going to call him again.”

“That means not responding when he contacts you. No calls. No e-mails. No IMs. No texts. Nothing.”

“Do I even need to tell him?”

“What? No. It’s done.”

“But... that’s so… so….”

“What?”

“It’s sooooo mean.”

“So?”

“But I’m not like that.”

“Well, it is what it is.”

(Who f**king came up with this damn expression?)

Yoda wasn’t enough. I had to go to a female source. I went to Valpal and over Mexican Mochas….

“But I DO want to have sex with him!”

“And when you took care of his “needs” and felt like your head was going to explode, he said that you shouldn’t?”

“Yeah.”

“Than why don’t you listen to him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look V. He told you.”

“He told me?”

“When he said it was just for fun. He already told you up front.”

“But than why the dinners? Why show me family photos? I mean it’s not like all we do is physical.”

“Doesn’t matter. He told you. You went in with expectations.”

“What’s so wrong with expectations? We all have expectations!”

“You put pressure on it. You get disappointed.”

“Wow. You’re like a guy.”

“Yeah.”

“So… this is never going to change.”

“I mean you could continue to hang out. See where it goes. It could turn around, where he might want a relationship with you, but honestly…”

“Yea…”

“It’s highly unlikely.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I think you should see other people. It will take your focus off him.”

“I don’t know how to do that. I’ve only ever been a one-at-a-time person.”

“Go out with friends. Go up to someone on the street.”

“This is L.A.”

“Well you need…a method of distraction.”

Back to the drawing board. I really didn’t want to reuse the same source that seemed to bring me Aquarius, but I had already paid the 40 bucks a month because I forgot to take off the auto-renewal option.

J-Date it was.

I mean it was easy. I would chit chat during off periods at work. Screen guys before hand. IM. Ignore. Block. E-mail. There was something to be said for the convenience factor.

Than I came across III.

Now I call him III because I seemed to be attracted to men with the same name. It was like my brain was hooked to the same damn pattern because I thought I could discover what I found the first time around with Southern Christian.

So after many many e-mails, which I DO NOT suggest (it just goes on and on and on)  I finally nailed down a meeting place and time with III.

So as it was, III met me at the Coffee Bean at the Grove.

He DID NOT look like his picture.

I was attracted to the guy in the picture. Unfortunately, I was not attracted to this guy. And he was not attracted to me.

He wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, he was nice enough to pay for my coffee.

He had gone to USC film school and interned with a major film director who was rumored to make his male interns into well, um… his male young lovers. Supposedly, III’s career didn’t escalate seeing as he wasn’t interested in men.

But than again, he wasn’t interested in me or my breasts and I don’t care how NOT a guy is attracted to you, their eyes in those situations 99.99999999% of the time do a once over of your breasts. It is the way their brain is wired. Even guys who love guys, LOVE breasts. We can go into the Oedipus Rex-y psychoanalytical aspect of this concept but let me stray from that. But if I’m wrong, please correct me. It doesn’t change the fact that requirement #1 for a positive dating outcome is attraction or rather “he wants to f#@k me and I feel likewise.”

You know when you’re straining for questions and the other person can’t carry a conversation… there’s nothing there. You than enter date HELL.

This is where you apply the first online date rules. You meet in public. Check. You carry a phone. Check. You have an out. Uh-oh.

An online date gone bad deserves an hour. But that’s it. That’s fair. If it goes any longer than that, you are doing a disservice to you and the other person. The only reason you would let it continue is that you sense there is something there or that there might be something about the person that you want to give a chance.

But when there are several periods of awkward silence and no one has an inkling of desire that = NO CHEMISTRY. All we had in common was a four-year degree. That’s it.

YAWN. “Gosh I am so sorry, but I am soooooo tired.”

“Oh.”

“It was so nice meeting you!” HUG.

The method of distraction failed. All it did was make me miss Aquarius.

S@#t.